My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
