I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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