did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
