no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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