Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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