My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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