There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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