My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
