she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Houston, we have a squirter
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
