bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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