I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
