Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
