my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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