It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
