got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have grass duct taped all over my body
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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