Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
