Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
