He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
