I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
