One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
God, you're like boner-b-gone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
