Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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