Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
