I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
