I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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