You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
