did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
