I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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