I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I just put wine in my tea
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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