I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
