dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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