You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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