He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
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The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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