We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
