Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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