I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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