I met the friendliest cop last night
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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