I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
