hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
