Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
