Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
