i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You left your phone here
Wait...
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