I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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