i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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