I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
