Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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