I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
