she woke up with a sticky ear
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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