I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
