i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
a search helicopter?!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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