I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
