Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
