Can i not drive my cunt home
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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