Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
no you cant smoke seaweed
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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