I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
