I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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