I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
