Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
